Searching for Tom Sawyer

Over the last couple of months my life has been evolving probably more then it has in the the last 2 years. I feel like I am entering an entirely new phase of my life, the phase somewhere between “I thought my life was done” and “I am just beginning to live, on my own terms”. And here is how all that happened.
I lost my job. I know, millions of people have lost their jobs over the last several years. The economy is horrible, jobs (at least good ones) are hard to find, and the search and rejection can be depressing and dehumanizing at best. I was afraid, scared to death to be exact. I didn’t know where to turn, what I was going to do and how in the world could I go through yet another disappointment in my life. After all I hadn’t been divorced that long, I had an apartment to pay rent and utilities for, things that already scared me because I was used to having a husband, my partner in life, to help pay for that stuff. Now, I’m a lone. I didn’t want to be back in that place where I am asking my kids for money all the time. I was getting used to being somewhat independant, and I was feeling proud of myself for that. It wasn’t the perfect life, nor was it where I had anticipated being at the ripe young age of 50 years old, but it was where I was at. I was embracing it and moving forward not back. Then, whamo, I lost my job and I felt like I was not only walking backward but I had taken a huge step off of a ledge that led right back to square one. I was depressed and ready to give up. Then I started asking my family if they had any ideas for me.
Guess what..they did. Now, I am not saying that I am getting tons of moolah for any of what I am doing at this point. And, yes I am still putting my resume out there, and applying for real jobs. However, I have begun doing things for my siblings that make me feel so good, like I am really achieving something and by helping them, I have found I am really helping myself.
My brother, Pastor Tim Wright, has written a new book called “Searching for Tom Sawyer, How Parents and Congregations can stop the Exodus of Boys from Church.” It is an amazing look into why boys and men seem to be leaving the church in huge numbers and what we can do to stop it. Author Dr. Tim Kimmel says this about the book; “If we want strong men in our churches in the future, we need to make radical shifts now. Tim Wright has a sure fire cure for you, your family and your church.” Tim has been a pastor here in the Phoenix area for over 30 years. His ministry has been nothing short of extraordinary, and he has so much to share and teach. So, for him I am working on getting him on radio shows, some TV shows, churches to talk about this exciting book. I have found that radio and TV are not the quickest at getting back to anyone about interviews, however, once they do get back they are some of the nicest folks around.
And then there is my sister. Lise is a vocal coach and founder of Redhead Music, a performing arts business that provides voice, guitar, keyboard and drum lessons. She also is the director of a vocal performance group called the Noise. The Noise is a group of teens who do a show every year that focuses on the things that youth go through these days, i.e. bullying, peer pressure, friendships, depression, broken homes. We take these kids on a summer tour and share it with adults and kids alike. (I write the show and direct the drama portion) This year I have been more involved in the actual booking of the tour, booking shows, finding airplane tickets etc. It has been so much fun. This summer our tour goes to Nashville and Indianapolis. I am also helping Lise do some of the leg work to try to get her Performing Arts School off the ground. I have been doing some Grant writing, setting up meetings with realtors to find locals for the school. This has also been a joy and pleasure for me to do, and hopefully has taken some of the load off my sister.
Here is what I am learning. First I really enjoy doing all of these things. None of them are things I have done before, so it has definitely been a learning curve for me. Second, I have learned that no matter what I do Lupus follows me everywhere. Those days when I can totally forget that I have lupus are not many, but when I am really busy, and my mind is active and on other things I do find that lupus takes a back seat to other things. I may get home at the end of the day and be in tons of pain, be physically and mentally exhausted, but it is worth it to me to feel like my life has purpose.

I have also learned that when I feel successful and like I am doing something worthwhile that my perception of being a mom and soon to be grandma has changed. I am working on things that my kids could be proud of their mom doing. I am not just “the mom with lupus” I am the mom who is doing something with meaning, and who feels proud of herself. And that is a good feeling.

Now granted, I still need to find a job that will be steady and a continuous paycheck, but this little turn of events in my life have made me feel like maybe I have more options of things I could do. Just maybe being 51 doesn’t mean that my life is over, that I am too old to reinvent myself. Maybe I am just beginning. Maybe I am going to be okay!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

its just too great not to keep sharing!

and baby makes 3

the day i learned i was going to be a nana

the best christmas baking day ever

Justin Bieber and all kids like him.

i totally understand all the hoopla regarding Justin and his issues. another famous, spoiled, rich kid, gets in trouble for being spoiled, rich and doing something stupid. here’s the reality. Justin is no different then a lot of other non famous, non rich kids in the US, Canada, and many other places around the globe.  the fact of the matter is that he is a kid.  Now do not get me wrong, i am in no way excusing his behavior, nor am i suggesting that he should get off without a punishment (which, by the way is not only a bonus of being famous. poor kids often get off without punishment or help as well), there should be consequences for his actions. what i am saying is that everyone should be looking at this as another wake up call about who is going to be in charge of this world in the future. if we don’t start opening our eyes we could be in a world of hurt, literally!

for those of you who are subscribers or followers of my blog, you will know that i once had 2 step sons who often got into a lot of trouble. each time this trouble happened it progressed a little further, each infraction becoming a little worse then the previous. no matter how i tried i could not get through to them that the road they were on had a fork and they could choose to follow the “more cool” road or the road that would lead to happiness, health, less pain.  some folks would tell me “oh they are just kids they will grow up, grow out of it.  back down, leave them alone, you are being too hard on them, or my personal favorite…”You are NOT their mom so mind your own business” even though “she” is the one who was too busy to clean up the mess and threw that mess in my lap.  The problem is that i genuinely cared about these boys and wanted the best for them, and they were affecting the life, health and safety of not only my husband (their father, who was often absent hence the garbage was often laid at my feet, even by their own mom)but of my own children as well. not to mention the fact that having lupus, stress affects my illness so my own well being was in danger.  hindsight being twenty i should have not continued in that situation as long as i did, my kids lives were so hurt be it all, and the guilt i feel for that is sometimes overwhelming, i should have gotten out,  or handed the plate to their dad and not put up with it any longer, however, they needed help, no one else was stepping up, i felt like i couldn’t just drop them. and ultimately it was them and their trouble that helped put the last nail in the coffin of our marriage. 

heres the reality. no matter how famous or rich, no matter what your social standing, if you are bringing the kids up in church, even if the kids have amazing grades, are super smart or give the appearance of being on the right track, they need supervision, they need menors that will be positive, not phoney or looking for what they as the mentor will gain from the relationship, they need to be taught from a young age what a genuine role model looks like as opposed to a person who may be talented or whatever but really doesn’t care what the message is that they are sending out. most importantly they need boundaries, expectations, rules. they need to know that people will be disappointed if they mess up, that there are consequences to actions good or bad. and, parents or guardians need to know when the problem is beyond them and be willing to seek that help.  i know that is probably the hardest part of all. and if all that fails, those surrounding that child need to be willing and strong enough to send that child out on their own.

i guess what i am saying is that perhaps instead of just pointing fingers at Justins mom, management team, friends etc and accusing them of being ignorant, we look inward at our own families and kids, make sure our own houses are in order. take a look at the boys and girls in your life, not just your own kids, but those all around you. let’s stop saying that once they turn 18 its all out of our hands and they are adults and need to take care of themselves. look back at when you were 18. how much of an adult really were you?  lets put our arms around all of our kids, let them know that we are here for them but that for every action there is a reaction. lets start beginning at birth with example of right and wrong, dont send mixed messages. be there for all those single parents, moms or dads out there. it a tough job, tougher when you are on your own. really listen to the kids. if it seems there may be underlying reasons for the behavior, seek out help, find the causes, don’t just push it under the rug.  if we begin at the very beginning, be totally engaged, learn as adults that parenting and becoming a parent takes the focus off ourselves and turns it toward the kids, and that focus doesnt end at 18, it continues beyond, even on to when the kids become the parents.  Remember it is not only the rich and famous. This travels through all socio-economic boundaries, covers all ethnicities. lets work together to make a difference. Eventually our kids will thank us.