Infidelity and the weirdness of mistresses

I have been reading a lot lately, on word press, blogs about infidelity, and cheating.  I have read stories written by mistresses, and their belief that it “isn’t thier fault”, that they are “helping the marriage”, that husbands can confide in the mistress things that he could never discuss with his wife.  And, I have been reading responses by men who have had affairs who basically feel that keeping the contact going with the other woman even after the wife knows, and the affair is supposedly over, even if that means keeping that contact a secret from their wife, is okay!  WOW!  I’m not sure where morality or the reality and the commitment of marriage has gone to, but fromwhere I sit I think that is all a bunch of hog wash!  

Here is my take on affairs.  I think infidelity is a cowards way of escaping from problems he/she doesn’t want to deal with.  There are only two people who know what really goes on in a marriage…so no matter what the “cheater” tells his/her lover they never know the whole truth no matter how much they think they know that their lover is tortured in their marriage, mistreated etc etc etc.  In an affair you don’t have to deal with the realities of life like the bills, the kids, illness, taking out the garbage, driving kids around, work, balancing the checkbook, cooking dinner for a family…the real life day to day grind of a marital relationship.  In an affair you are living in a cinderella wonderland..possibly the land that you had hoped your marriage would be, but the reality is that marriage is not disneyland.  So, to all you mistresses out there who think you are doing your married man a huge favor by listening to his problems, and hanging on his every word about how tortured his life is,making love as often as you are together because “his wife never wants to”  remember there are two sides to a story and two lives in that marriage.  And, no matter how much you want to believe that the people in that family will not be adversely affected by the extramarital affair you are wrong.  The kids are affected, it will affect the way they look at relationships for the rest of their lives.  The spouse will be affected…trust doesn’t come easy to begin with.   Add to that infidelity and it is almost impossible to get it back.  In future relationships or if your marriage does manage to make it through the affair, you will question everything your spouse does.  Every time he/she misses a call, doesn’t come home on time, isn’t where they are supposed to be, your mind goes back to that time of unfaithfulness.  Forgiveness can happen…forgetting is another story!

So, I guess the message of this post is this:  If your marriage is in trouble, do your darndest to fix it.  If it is unfixable wait till you have ended that relationship before moving on to another.  Don’t go around sharing intimate things about your marriage with someone of the opposite sex…that leads to temptation which leads to trouble.  If you need to talk to an outside party to get perspective turn to a friend who is the same sex you are or a counselor.  But never ever stop communicating with your spouse!  Your partner should be the first and foremost person you run to when you need a refuge, when you feel insecure, when you feel pressure and fear.  If the two of you can’t communicate get help doing so!  Making someone else of the opposite sex your confidante, as possibly controlling as it may sound, is NOT a good idea!  Can men and women be friends?  Yes.  But a true friend of the opposite sex would want to be friends with both parts of the marriage not just one part! 

That’s just my humble opinion!

Times are strange

I’m scared.  I’m not gonna lie.  I  have been feeling for awhile that something strange is wrong with me.  something that is a little more scary then the lupus I have been living with for all these years.  Not that lupus isn’t scary, because there are times that it is.  But, this is different.  I feel like there is something growing in my back, near my lungs, something unhealthy and unknown as of yet.  I am going to the doctor on thursday and requesting some tests to find out what the problem is.  Till then I just have to wait and keep my fingers crossed.

In my life I have gone through numerous scary events.  I had two miscarriages, both of which were scary, sad and emotionally draining on me.  The birth of my oldest daughter was terrifying.  She almost died, I almost died, it was horrible.  But, I would do it all again in order to have her in my life.  Going through the ending of my first  marriage was scary.  Finding out that my husband had been unfaithful to me, that was my worst nightmare come true.  I am a very insecure person as it is.  Knowing that someone interested him more then me…well…you get the picture. I know how manipulative some women are, and when they want something they will stop at nothing till they get it.  I have never understood that philosiphy of wanting a relationship, or ripping apart another relationship in order to build your own ego, but that’s what infidelity is at its raw, broken down essence.   That incident alone, that infidelity in my first marriage,  has impacted my marriage now, and not in a good way.  I question everything, I always wonder, worry and think the worst in every situation, even when it isn’t warranted.  Trust is  a difficult thing for me.   I don’t give trust easily, and I know I put up walls that block parts of me so that “IF” something bad should happen not all of me would be lost.  Because I vowed i would never let myself be hurt like that again.  I have a lot of fear in my life.

And now I am faced with a new fear.  Yes I have had medical issues before and some have been frightening.  But for some reason, and I’m not sure what that is, maybe intuition, knowing my body as well as i do, this time is different. 

So, I have been praying…day and night.  I have been bringing my fear to God, begging him to get me through whatever comes my way.  I know he is faithful and he will help me handle what ever it is.  I also know that thinking positively often helps people recover faster.  So, i am trying to think in a positive manner.  But fear is a strong animal.  It is inticing and it grabs a hold of your insides and doesn’t let go.  Fear has a life of it’s own. 

But for now, i am going to focus on what i know.  I have capable doctors, I have a supportive family and I have a God that can perform amazing miracles.  that’s what I know, and that’s what I am holding on to!  After all….maybe it will be nothing at all!  That’s where the hope comes in!

Kids Birthdays and hangin with the grandson

It has been a busy week and weekend.  Last weekend my daugther turned 20 years old.  I cannot believe I am old enough to have a kid that age…but I am! Our 9th wedding anniversary was on the 20th, and we celebrated with a nice dinner and some a lone time…which we rarely get.  it was romantic and very nice! 

 And Monday my son turns 16.  We had a surprise party for him on Friday evening and he was totally surprised.  I was so happy!  I think he had a great time and was overwhelmed by his friends being here to celebrate with him.  Then yesterday my hubby and I got to spend some great time with our grandson.  We took him to get a hair cut with grandpa, affterwards an icecream cone which is a tradition after a haircut.  Then it was off to the dollar general store where we bought some fun disney placemats to eat at and some goofy glasses with big noses to wear when we met up with his mom.  We had a lot of fun.  And then last night it was time to relax and just hang out. 

I love when I am able to enjoy these times with my family.  It isn’t all the time that I feel good enough to go out and about and spend the day just having fun.  And lately, with this problem in my upper back and lungs, my energy has been almost nothing.  I’m not gonna lie, this problem in my upper left side of my back is scaring me.  I can feel that there is something not right, something really wrong.  The doctors just haven’t figured it out yet.  I am using strength in my left arm, I have twitching in my fingers and just touching my back sends shockwaves of pain coursing through my body.  I’m trying, as usual, not to make too much of it in front of my family.  but they can tell, especially this time because the pain is unlike anything I am used to.  Just getting in and out of bed, moving on the couch to a new sitting position, rolling over or standing up hurts immensely.  I’m just praying that God knows what is happening and that he will get me through whatever it is.  I need to be strong for my kids, for my husband who has so much on his plate already that it is unbelieveable, and for everyone else around me. 

I am looking forward, though, to the upcoming birth of my new grandson.  It has been a while since we have had a baby around and I can hardly wait.  It will bring great joy and a sense of newness and life to this home. 

So, here are some photos of my sons band, my daugthers 2oth birthday and troy and grandpa.  What a great time we have had!

Happy Anniversary Honey!!!

Nine years ago today I married my best friend, and the love of my life….and no I’m not talking about Johnny Depp LOL.  Seriously, it has been quite a ride for the last nine years.  We have weathered some pretty major storms that most people never have to weather in a marriage and we  have survived, and are growing stronger and closer in our relationship. 

When my hubby and I met about 11 years ago, we began as acquaintences on the internet.  Slowly we chatted, emailed and got to know each other until one day we decided to meet.  We met at a Burger King, and talked for a couple of hours over sodas.  I knew the minute I looked in his eyes that there was something there, he was someone I wanted to get to know better.  I didn’t really have marriage on  my mind, I was recently divorced and had a lot of baggage from that break up.  But, slowly we started dating, hanging out together and eventually introducing our kids and meeting families.  We went on a couple of trips together to California and spent a lot of quality time just getting to know each other.  Finally, on January 20, 2001 we made it official in a small ceremony in our back yard.  We were surrounded by friends and family, and we got hitched. 

Blended families are anything but easy.  It takes a lot of work and trial and error.  And I know that I have probably made more mistakes then done things right in trying to figure it all out.  But one thing has never changed….I love my husband.  We have had some great times over the years.  We took an amazing honeymoon to Hawaii, which will be forever one of the best memories of my life.  there have been many family memories like trips to disneyland, and the ocean, weekends at the cabin, weddings, and new babies being born.  There have been many trials a long the way with teenage drama that has caused a lot of hurt and frustration.  And personally there has been illness and loss with the death of both of my parents.  But through it all my husband has been here to  hold my  hand, wipe my tears and be my support. 

Life has never been easy for us.  There have been so many arrows thrown our way to try to throw us off course and sabotage our marriage.  But God has been good, his grace is amazing and He is the strength that I draw from when things get tough.  But, everyday we get stronger.  I just know that this new year is the beginning of better things in life for all of us.

So, Happy Anniversary Sweetheart.  I love you with my whole heart and am so happy that you are a part of my life!