It’s been a while since I last posted on my blog. My life has been busy, weird, complicated, difficult, yet filled with JOY because of this little boy that now exists in my heart!!! Oliver, my grandson, has totally changed the way I love, the way I laugh and the way I am trying to fight to stay around for him. I will admit that I have not been the best at managing my health, I have my good days and my bad days. I have days with I just feel so much physical pain that the only thing I want to do is try to exist. Then there are days, the days I get to spend with Ollie, that I can forget that lupus has tried to take over every aspect of my existence. I also admit I get depressed, I get sad, I wonder what life would have been like if I had never gotten sick. I wonder how life is going to be going forward.
My sister in law once told me that the best thing to do when you feel sad is to hold a baby in your arms, look into the innocent eyes of a child, let tears roll down your face as you realize the amazing miracle of new life. She was right. Holding her daughter back then, my new niece, changed me. I had never felt that kind of love toward anyone until she was born. I remember feeling the same way as each new nephew/niece was born. Then when I had my own children that feeling grew exponentially. And when I was sad the one thing that could pull me out of that sadness was looking at my children. They were my own personal miracles.
So, now my grandson is that miracle for me. Lupus is an odd disease. It is misundersood, it is often unexplainable. And it is a life long struggle. No matter how much people want you to “be” normal, you aren’t. And no one can really understand how you feel because they are not you. Medications become a problem. Breathing becomes a problem. Pain is a problem. Privacy becomes a problem. So, you have to look for the goodness in your life. You have to grab each moment of joy you can find. And right now my joy comes in the form of a little boy named Oliver!