Christmas and New year’s in the burbs

Well, tonight is the night.  It’s supposed to be exciting and thrilling, full of parties and festivities.  But, pretty much as normal, we are staying in tonight.  New Years’ eve has become a time of relaxing for us.  We reconnect with each other and rest up for the new year ahead.  And, to be honest, this last year hasn’t been great…so looking forward to a better and brighter new year is a hopeful thing for  me.  Losing my dad this past October, and trying to move forward without either of my parents has been a daunting and somewhat scary proposition.  I’ve never really been without them.  Even when I moved to AZ in the 80’s, with them staying in the frigid cold of MN, they were always in my heart, and on my mind (which was fairly evident by my long distance phone bill LOL)  But, they finally took the plunge and moved here in 1992 and we were all together again. 

I was reminded today, when my daughter who is sick with the flu, called and asked me to bring her some stuff from the store, of all the times when I had had surgery, or was pregnant on bed rest, and I would make that call to mom and dad asking them to come sit with me, or bring me some ginger ale, or just talk me through those depressing moments.  They were always right there.  Now, it is hard having them gone.  Hopefully the new year will bring less sorrow and more joy.

Lupus is something that I will live with forever.  And I have been dealing with some issues regarding that lately as well.  I have pain in my upper left side of my back, when I breath, sleep, move, try to carry anything.  The pain, which I thought was muscle related, is not going away, instead deciding to get worse and more intense as time goes by.  So, to the doctor I go right after the 1st to find out what new thing has decided to go haywire in my already strange and mixxed up body!  But that is a problem that I have learned to deal with, and cope with, on a daily basis.  It is my hope that in the new year things will stay at the status quo and not get worse.  That’s the best I can hope for at this point. 

I will be getting a new grand baby in the new year.  That is always a joyous time and a time to remember that life always carries on even after losing loved ones and suffering the pain of that loss.  I am looking forward to Wyatt entering our world and seeing his lovely eyes for the first time. 

And, as for my new years resolution, I don’t really believe in luck, but I do think that if you write something down, put it on paper and people see it it may make you more accountable to do what you said.  So, this year I resolve to write everyday…write pages of the book I am working on…book number two for me,( the first was co authored with my brother and published several years ago).  I want to finish it and begin the task of sending it out to be either rejected or loved (hopefully the latter) by a publisher.  I have a great editor in my daughter who is a journalism graduate, and I’m sure she will whip my butt whenever I find myself straying from the writing path. 
I also resolve to eat better and try to excersize some each week.  The pain of excersize for me is often intolerable.  But, I think probably the health benefits of it may help me in the long run.  I’m not going to make some big resolution to lose so much weight because that just never works.  However, eating better…that’s a different story.

In the end, I am just hoping that 2010 is a whole lot better then the last couple of years have been for all of us.  It has been a tough go of it as a country, as a community, as a family and personally for many of us.  I pray for all of those in the service who have not seen home in a long time, for their families and friends, that 2010 will bring them home, bring peace to our nation and that prosperity and love will begin to bloom again. 

Here are a few photos of the fun we had Christmas day at my brother’s house.  It was a chilly, but wonderful day and I had such a great time.  Happy new year everyone…and God Bless you all!

Christmas Eve, Lupus and life

So, do I wax poetic?  Or do I just write mumbo jumbo about feelings?  I guess the last few days have been odd and strange and mixed with feelings of Joy of the season yet sadness that mom and dad will not be here to celebrate with us.  I haven’t been feeling really well lately.  I’m sure that emotions and sadness has something to do with some of that.  But, my pain has been to the extremes and as of yet I am unsure why.  It sort of goes with the territory with Lupus, pain that is.  It has been different then usual.  More intense and dibilitating.  I even went to be early on a couple of nights thinking that laying in my bed may help lessen the extent of the pain.  I feel, in some ways that I have let my kids down, in that we haven’t done a lot of the things that we normally do on Christmas, like the baking and even the decorating was to a minimum this year.  I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  But tomorrow I will make it the best possible Christmas morning I can.  I even invited my ex husband to join us for Christmas morning breakfast.  I guess, like my kids said, he is a part of their lives and as they get older he will be at more and more big events like weddings and things that they are  in or a  part of.  So, in the spirit of good will and mending fences my husband and I invited him to Christmas.  He is a lone this year, his dad passed away about 2  years ago as well.  I have to applaud my husband for the way he gets a long with my ex.  It hasn’t always been that way.  And, if the shoe were on the other foot, at this point, I’m not so sure I would be so gracious with his ex!  Of course there is a lot more kid drama going on in that situation then in mine.  Anyways, that is one of the new traditions of the year…the ex is coming to Christmass Breakfast. 

And, usually on Christmas eve we go to church.  It is a great service and every year it touches me.  But the last two years since mom died I have been an emotional wreck by the end of the service.  And this year with Dad gone I am afraid i will be boo hooing through the entire thing.  So, I think we are opting out of the service this year and are going to celebrate, just the two of us, tonight by going to dinner together and just being a married couple!  We will be all alone until tomorrow morning, it will be nice to spend some much needed time together just being!  I have realized over the last few weeks how much I truly love my husband.  We have had some really nasty rough patches, some times when I wondered if we would  make it through it in tact.  But we have come out of those storms stronger and more in tune with each other.  I know that on my kids part there is still alot of healing that needs to happen there, but he is trying so hard to stay a part of their lives.  And I am so thankful for that.  I pray every day that our family will heal and become whole once more. 

He took the stockings that I made for his boys to them last night.  I’m not sure if they “expected”  stuff from us or if there was surprise there.  But, the effort was made to make them feel a part of our christmas.  They are hurting, both of the boys, they are in such need of a healing touch.  But at this point it is really up to their mom to get them back to where they need to be.  They have all closed us out of their lives, deciding on a path that leads only to destruction and pain.  It will take a miracle to make it right.  I know my kids miss them, miss their brothers, miss the times that we all spent together, the laughter, the joy that once filled this house, especially on Christmas morning.  Hopefully one day we will have that back again.

Well, I’m sleepy.  I need to rest before the next two days begin.  Merry Christmas everyone.  And keep looking up because that’s where our strength comes from!

Tis the Season

So, here it is the season of giving and sharing.  So far I have decided getting and sharing the flu might be the bestest gift of all.  Seriously, I have been down with the stomach flu for a couple of days, however, so far no one has recieved this gift from me.  It’s nasty. 

On a lighter note, we had an early Christmas with my sister because they are leaving to go to Indiana to spend the holidays with my brother.  It’s going to be an odd christmas for sure, but I am determined to make it as joyful as possible.  The time at my sis’ was really fun.  We shared a lot of strange but wonderful gifts, ate good food and laughed a lot.  It made me realize how really lucky I am to have family, as quirky and strange as it is, it is a gift.  And one way or another as we get older we are all learning  how to manage our lives and deal with what the realities of life in this world are.  There are so many out there who are helpless and lonely and alone.  Even in our own families we can feel alone and lonely.  Finding ways to give joy and meaning to this season through the hurt and pain in life is a diffuculty that many of us have to bear.  But the true joy of the season comes from the realization that no matter where we are in life, Jesus is there to meet us in that place, in that moment to hold us, comfort us and ease that pain.  He is the joy of this season, and his gift to us was the ultimate Christmas present.  Hold on to each other, hold on to his  hand and keep the joy of Christmas in your heart!

Do you see me from up there?

To mom and Dad with Love

Do you see me from up there, above the sky, floating on the clouds?

Do you watch me laugh with my children?

Does your mind bring you back to when I was a little girl, when everything seemed so harmless, easy

Do you see me from up there as I go through my day?

When I cry because I miss you so, when my heart aches to see your faces, hear  your laughter gain insight from your advice?

Or do you only see the good stuff?  The happy times we have, the musical moments, whimsical happy times?

Is heaven as wonderful as it sounds? Or when you get there do you miss those left behind?

If you see me from up there, if you know and feel what I feel, then you know

I miss you each day!  I cry in my private moments for you. I regret not saying so many things. I feel badly about all the missed moments that we could have shared.  But I also cherish the time we had.  The love you gave to me, the lessons you taught, the family you gave me.

If you see me from up there please don’t forget about me.  Because one day I will be there with you.  And we will share all those moments making up for the time we lost!

Lori Gumm 2009