The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 12,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 20 years to get that many views.
| Sent from Maxjournal | |
| From: | |
| To: | |
| Date: | Wed, Sep 19, 2012 1:28 am |
September 19, 2012 Wednesday I remember Holding hands as we fell asleep Our faces nearly touching Breathing each others breath Feeling the pulse beating the love in our heart. I remember Waking together, Talking and laughing as you got ready for work Sharing a bagel, Sharing a kiss. I remember Movies and popcorn Dinners and long walks Vacations and romance I remember Laughter over funny things kids say Tears of sorrow when we lost our grandson Tears of joy when the next little one was born And the joy of watching them grow I remember Pain of illness striking our reality Learning to deal and live in our changing world Fear of paths chosen by wayward loved ones Praying they would be safe Seeking counsel for help and understanding I weep over The loss of love and understanding Turning our backs instead of holding hands Silence where there once was laughter and conversation I mourn the emptiness in my heart Where once grandchildren resided And while not related naturally Related by love, by nurture, related by hugs, kisses And a grandmothers heart. I don't understand How there could be love, and family, and laughter and caring That's been replaced with anger, resentment, abandonment and despair! Where did I go wrong? Where did we go wrong? I remember.... And I weep! Lori gumm2012 Sent from my iPad
I’m trying to live life! That’s quite a statement isn’t it? I think when you have to say you’re ” trying” to live life, you are actually struggling to find and live the life you deserve. Jesus said I come to give you Abundant life. Right now I’m thinking my life, while it has it’s blessings, I can’t say it’s abundant. I want to be happy and joyful. I want to be able to say, when it’s all over, that I lived well. But I find that I am in that phase between hopefulness and hopelessness. I guess everyone going through a breakup or divorce has those days or moments of pain, times when they try to reenact it all to figure out how it all went so wrong. Then I wake up some days feeling like the sun has come out and it isn’t so bad. It’s like a slow motion black and white movie, I keep waiting for that magical ending, where the hero comes and sweeps me off my feet and protects me from the bad guy. But that ending doesnt happen so I keep waiting.
I am doing okay with my health. I still battle horrible back aches, by the end of the day I have had enough. But I’m trying to keep busy. I am making great friends, moving forward and not backwards in the things I want to do. I am weighing my options, as far as where to live and all of that. I know in the end I will be stronger physically and emotionally. But it seems like a long road.
So for now I am trying to be in the moment and on those good days I live life. And on the bad days ..something like it. It’s the best anyone can do!
I am having such a difficult time getting into the holiday spirit this year. This is the second Christmas without dad, so of course that is always hard. I miss mom, but that is nothing new. But truthfully, I just feel sort of blah. I had a huge bout with some sort of flu thing, ear infection, throat infection, the whole deal. The doc put me on the anthrax drug which was pretty harsh. Since then I haven’t really been back to my form of normal. Emotion-less…that is what I feel. I wish I could cry, but I can’t get myself to do that. I would love to feel like punching someone, or yelling and screaming cuz I just don’t feel well, but even that seems like too much work. I’m so tired, fatigued, and the strain of the illness has taken it’s toll. So, it’s just this even keel sort of thing.
I’ve been trying to get out to do things, here and there, to keep my energy level building. I’m not really depressed…in fact I wish I was more into the christmas spirit. I miss that feeling. I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach when it was getting to be that time when i could drag out all the decorations, and I would begin that yearly chore of transforming my home into what, my kids and I thought, was a Christmas wonder land. We never had the fanciest house on the block. In fact our tree is mostly ornaments made by my kids, things that they can take down and look at and re hang over and over again. And now, my grandkids can carry on that tradition. There’s the moving winnie the pooh who joyfully stands under the tree moving his candle lit honey pot back and forth, the glittering snowmen and all the santas scattered all around. And of course the multiple Nativity scenes that are found on just about every table and shelf. We even have a chunky wooden one made especially for the kids to use to re inact that christmas story. But this year all those treasures are still tucked away in their boxes because I just didn’t have the energy to put it all up. All that’s up are two small lighted trees to at least make it seem a little christmasy here.
Which brings me to my point. It’s really not about all that “stuff” is it! It’s really about that baby. That baby that came into this world to change every thing! And no matter how un myself I feel, how abnormal, He is still here with me to give me comfort, to wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear “Lori, I don’t care about the decorations, I care about you, I care about being here, quiet, with you. Rest in me!”
So, this Christmas, if you have a moment or moments like I am having, which all of us with Lupus have at one time or another espescially over the holidays, take some time to remember that it is about the baby that came to comfort us, to hold on to us, to give us peace in those less then peaceful times! Cuz that baby came to change everything!
Merry Christmas!
Lwayswright's Weblog 