This is going to be a strange Christmas for me. There have been so many huge events that have gone on the last year that it is difficult to even comprehend the impact those things will have on this holiday season. At this point it would appear that my two step sons will be absent at our christmas this year. Teenage years are so difficult as it is, add to that drug use, crime and bad choices and it becomes disasterous for everyone involved. My stepsons have decided that their mom’s house is the place to be. And at this point they are probably right. Until they determine the right path their lives should be on, and realize that authority figures are there to help them along their way in life, not to hold them back, but to keep them from making stupid choices, and until their mom actually comes to the reality that the boys are moving down the wrong direction, we need to let them be where they are. It is a sad thing but true none the less.
I lost my dad about a month ago. So, this will be the first Christmas without either of my parents. For some odd reason it still hasn’t hit me that dad is gone. He was always this larger then life man who seemed like no matter what came along he could beat it. He had done it so many times over his life that the thought of him taking his last breath has not sunk in. I still feel like I could go to his house and he would be there sitting in his recliner watching black and white cowboy movies, or Fox news. In fact I don’t think I have actually grieved his death yet. It’s just not real. Maybe having Christmas without him will make it seem more real, more final. But then again, he was going to be in Indiana with my brother for Christmas this year anyway…so I just don’t know.
My kids are not living with me right now. They moved out when the whole debacle with my step son happened. And, they have not returned home. They will be here to celebrate Christmas day with us, but there will be no waking up with them here in the morning. That will be strange for me. It is my hope that one day they will be able to forgive, to feel better about things and understand that no matter what I love them.
The economy is bad and we have a lot less money for giving then normal. That is a really hard one for me. I love buying things for my family. I get way more pleasure out of giving then recieving at Christmas time. But this year the funds just arent’ there. So, I am going to have to be creative and make things, give things that have meaning and are precious but don’t necessarily cost a bunch.
And, I am afraid that my health is not as good as it was last year. Every year I get older and every year lupus gets harder to live with. Just getting out of bed in the morning for me is a painful and often daunting task. I know I am not doing as many things as I have in the past. Christmas baking doesn’t sound like much fun to me this year…it is a long and painful task. I am going to do some because my kids love it, it is a tradition, and it is a part of christmas. But there won’t be as much. And decorating over the years has become less and less for me. This year, basically I have a tree and a few decorations around the family room. That is about all my mind can wrap around. It all causes pain. I do have to say, however, that sitting on the couch and seeing the glistening lights, and the twinkling ornaments on the tree have made the pain seem worthwhile. I have learned that scented candles scattered around flickering in the dim light of the moon make the room seem more festive. It’s an easy enough little trick to accomplish.
Last but not least, my step daughter and her 5 year old son (our grandson) are moving in with us this weekend. She is pregnant with our next grandson, and is having some marriage issues and will be coming to live with us! So, another new thing in our lives.
So, I guess life is about change, Christmas is the season for giving, for family and for sharing love…because of the love that was sent down to us 2000 years ago. I hope that no matter what your situation you can remember the reason for this time of year and have a merry christmas.
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